The Waiting Game

Death. It's such a strange thing to think so much about. But the past 3 days, it has occupied most of my thoughts both day and night. My dear Pepa is lying in a hospital bed on the 4th floor of the Carillon house. It's where people go to die. The minutes and hours continue to creep by and he continues to breathe and moan and slip in and out of sleep. I've never experienced anything like this before. The last time I lost someone this close to me, I was 12 years old. I remember being called out of my 7th grade math class and finding my dad waiting for me in the office. Mama Jo was dead. It happened so suddenly. The words felt like someone punched me in the gut and my eyes were stinging and I was searching for air. This came out of nowhere. No warning. Just death. But this is so different. We are all waiting for him to breathe his last breath. We know it's coming and his deteriorating body is somehow getting worse and showing signs of the "final stages." And we all just wait. The feelings are the same. My gut still feels pummeled, my eyes are still stinging. But it didn't come with one sharp blow. It's a slow, constant beating that has me reaching for air at every turn but finding no relief. Or maybe it's me that's holding my breath. I'm just waiting for the call or the text message. Surely I will get a call. Can you imagine hearing the AT&T default ding and reading those words across a phone screen? Like it's just another Facebook update or RSVP to Ava's birthday party. But maybe the death will bring about a release. Maybe the knot in my stomach from waiting will slowly go away. I don't know why he's still here. I don't know if he's hurting or scared or just ready to be gone. But God knows. And I have to trust that He's here in the midst of this waiting. He's doing a work or He's teaching a lesson or He's testing our faith. I don't know the why yet, but it feels so good to know that I don't have to know all the answers. I just have to try and find the breaths when they come. And I just have to keep waiting...until he's gone. And then I can start missing him. I can cry a different set of tears. Tears of loss and grief. There will be a few tears of joy for his heavenly homecoming. And I will try to be strong and help my kids understand and I will fail, and I will cry and that will be ok. And I will remember all the things I loved about him. And I will be thankful for the last few years he's gotten to spend making memories with my kids. Memories of peppermints and "rides" in the hospital bed. Of singing and dancing and laughing. Of quiet moments shared gazing out the window. I will have my own personal memories of his motorcycle, walking calves, calling him Ralph and him calling me Sydney. So many memories of life and joy. And those are the things that will make the death bearable.

30 is the new ???

Well, 30 is the new age for me! Yesterday was my birthday, and it turned out to be a pretty good day. I've been a bit panicked about this one for quite some time, but as the big day got closer, I realized that it wasn't so bad. And when I crawled into bed last night, I realized I survived! It was a great day and although I just entered a new decade, I really didn't feel that much different. I am very much a list maker. Always have been. My sister, Paige, wrote the most beautifully amazing blog about me yesterday and it was a list of 30 things about me. As I read the things, I wasn't sure they were all true, but it made me realize how much I wanted them to all be, or at least feel like they were real to me. I've been thinking and I've decided I need a new list for this year, or really decade. 30 things I want to accomplish in my 30's. I'm still praying about what all should be on the list, but I'll go ahead and start. I'm sure some of them will seem silly to others or not make any sense, but the list is really for me. So here goes!

1. I want to continue to raise three beautiful daughters to know and love the Lord.

2. I want to be a better wife to my husband every single day. As I continue to learn things about him and as we continue to grow closer, I want to love him better and support him in every way that he needs.

3. I want to have really great friendships. This is something I don't think I've ever done all that well, but I want to intentionally work on it. I want to invest in people that are fun, like-minded, and at the same time challenge me to grow spiritually and in other ways. Life is too short to go through it alone. I want to purposefully choose people to be in my life that will make me a better person.

4. I don't want to yell anymore. I can't believe I'm admitting this in blogland, but it's true. I can be a yeller. It is the one thing about myself that I dislike the very least. I have a short fuse sometimes and before I know it I'm barking for no reason. I'm immediately remorseful and embarrassed. Raising kids comes with it's fair share of irritations, however, that is no excuse for me to yell. No more yelling!!

5. I want to read more. A few weeks ago, I decided for some odd reason to read Pride and Prejudice. I have never been a reader. I could spend hours vegged out in front of the TV, but lately, it just doesn't interest me. I downloaded the book on my phone and read it cover to cover. I was quite proud of myself for finishing the 418 pages! And now I want to read more! Any good suggestions??

6. In the words of Mary J. Blige, I want "No More Drama." I am finding myself at a place in life where I often ask myself, "what's the point?" What is the point in being mad all the time? Where is the fun in picking out flaws in other people? What is the purpose of keeping things stirred up in my mind and emotions to the point of feeling like I'm about to reach my boiling point all the time? The answer is simple. There is NO point! It is useless, wasted time spent worrying about things that are usually out of my control. And I have found that control is usually the culprit. Feeling out of control and grasping for it can cause this constant stirring of drama, that I just have no desire to be a part of. So, I am committed to living a life full of love, forgiveness, and believing the best of people. Isn't is amazing how God gives us the grace we need to walk out what He's called us to do? Isn't it even more amazing that He doesn't give us the grace to do other people's jobs and to live other people's lives?

7. I want to be healthy. Ahh, here it is. The constant battle for me. Weight. Food. Health. Self-esteem. These things all get rolled into one big ball bouncing up and down. Right now I am teetering on the "up" side of weight and food, and the "down" side of health and self-esteem. If I've learned anything about my natural self in the last decade, it is that I am NOT a naturally thin person. Over the past few years I have worked my tail off on two different occasions and lost a good amount of weight. As soon as I felt I had reached some goal or level of health, I started "rewarding" myself with all the yummy food that I so enjoy. It doesn't help that I love to cook. It is relaxing for me. It is a creative outlet for me, and I love it! However, before I know it, all the hard work is over and I start putting all the weight back on again. What the heck?? I saw a hilarious quote on Pinterest yesterday that spoke loud and clear to me. It said "Don't reward yourself with food. You're not a dog!" So true!! But if I jump through the hoops and lose enough weight I stick my little hand in my pocket and pull out a treat (or 5). This has to stop. In the past I have done really well with losing weight when accountability is involved, so I'm praying for God to show me who to be accountable to. I can do this!!

8. I want to take more vacations with my family. Vacations are some of my fondest memories growing up and I want my kids to have those. There is something about getting away from "normal" life and just having fun! My dream vacation is to go to Disney World with my family, my sisters and their families, and my parents. Can't you just see all those girls at Cinderella's Castle?? Photo-op for sure!!! I also want to go on more trips with my husband. There is no better way to reconnect than a few days away from work and the kids (even though I love them dearly!) preferably relaxing on a beach or some other beautiful location (I'll take mountains too. I'm not picky).

9. I want to do a better job of "multiplying" myself at work. Work for me is being the worship pastor at Church on the Rock. As much as I love actually leading worship in a service, I really get a bigger kick out of seeing other people raised up and released to do it. It truly gives me the proudest feeling! Is that wrong? I just get excited to see other people fulfill their calling and their destiny in the Kingdom. I feel like so much of what I'm "called" to do is changing to more of a mentoring role than an out front leader role. I still enjoy doing both and am blessed enough to have the opportunity to do both. I get to work with some of the most amazingly talented, anointed, humble, powerful worship leaders. It's really a fun job!

10. I want to write more. Paige wrote about it yesterday on her blog, and it got me thinking. I do love to write. I write songs, stories, thoughts, ideas. Whatever pops into my head. However, I don't make the time to do it as much as I would like. At one time I thought about writing a book, although I'm not sure anyone would read it! But it would be so fun to write!

Ok, I think that's enough for now. I've 20 more things to decide on and 39 years and 363 more days to do it. I think I'm good.

A dream becoming reality

For so many years I have been asked, "when are you ever going to make a CD?" Similar comments for years and years: "I'll buy the first one" "Are you writing any new songs?" "Are you recording anything?" "You should really do something with that music." These were all things that I often told or asked of myself, but isn't God's timing always perfect? I remember about six years ago. I was done with college, not yet married, I had no idea what my life was going to look like, but there was music. Music had been there for so long. Honestly, at that point I thought I would be further along in my musical journey, but I didn't know where that would be. I just remember thinking, "as long as I make at least one CD before I'm 30." So, here I am, 29 years and three weeks old, preparing to record a worship CD tonight. It truly is a dream come true. But what I love the most about it, is that it's not just me. This is not my CD. It's a project I'm honored to be a part of and honored to lead with my husband. It is so special to me because it is simply our attempt to capture the sounds of worship that we get to be a part of every single week. It is us, our friends, our team, our church, our family. We have labored, sacrificed, given, and cried to see this thing come into existence. And now it's here. In just 4 short hours, we will hit the record button and my prayer is that we capture the heart of worship that our church family has. I hope to somehow convey through this CD our love for God. These songs are our prayers, our hopes, our desires, our love for Him. So today, my dream is coming true. I feel so expectant. The only thing I can compare it to is the day before I went in to have my babies. That feeling of knowing that your life is about to change in some huge way, and you have no idea what that actually looks like. I like this feeling. I'm a little anxious, but mostly just excited. Excited to continue this journey with my amazing husband, and with my friends who I get to lead worship with.

Let me just encourage you today, to search deep inside and remember those dreams that may be collecting dust somewhere in there. Life is always going to be busy. You are never going to get any younger. You will never have all your ducks in a perfect row. Sometimes, you just have to step out and go for it, right where you are. No matter what season of life. I'm so glad I stepped out in faith and said "yes!" to what God was asking me to do. It's such a rewarding thing. Far greater than anything that I could have imagined, because it's not just my dream, it was His first. It's what He put inside of me to do, and so He's equipped me to do it. I know He can do the same for you.

Thanks for letting me share. I don't ever want to forget how great it feels to be doing what I'm supposed to be doing. So maybe this blog can serve as a reminder for in the future when I've been sitting for far too long on something that God has asked me to do!

A few of my favorite things...

When I was little The Sound of Music was probably my favorite movie. No, I take that back. It was Grease, but SOM was a close 2nd. I had a thing for musicals. I wanted to grow up and be Leisel someday in a play. Came close to that once, but it fell through. Ahhh, the dream that got away....

Anyways, in Sound of Music there is a song called Favorite Things. When I was around 14 I learned to play it for a piano recital. I HATE reading music (bad thing for a musician) so it was a humongous challenge for me, but I did it. I've had that song running through my head for some reason today, so this blog post will be about...you guessed it! My favorite things! (well, favorite things of this week)

#1- Seeing a friend fulfill a long time dream! My friend, Ruth Menefee and her precious family are in Colombia to meet and pick up their new beautiful daughter, Abi! I don't honestly know Ruth all that well, but she is one of those warm people who make you feel so great. You talk to her and you feel like you've known her forever. She is so open and friendly and in the most amazing, genuine way. The story of Abi coming to their family is incredible. You should follow Ruth's blog and read their story for yourself! You will be inspired by this mama's relentless courage and commitment to the dream God put in her heart!

#2- A much needed girls night! On Thursday, I went to dinner with two dear friends. These girls have been in my life for about 15 years, and I thank God for them! We laughed, we cried (only because we were laughing so hard), we ate some super yummy food, and we just had the best time. Thanks to my wonderful husband for keeping the girls and giving me a night off!

#3- Watching my girls play with their cousins. We are blessed so much wonderful family so close by. On Wednesday, we went over to my sister's house to let the girls play in the kiddie pools. It's so fun to watch them play together. I loved hearing their little giggles and shrieks as they splashed each other and waded in the pool. What a blessing to know that my girls not only have awesome cousins, but life-long friends!

#4- Reading my cousin Stacie's blog. This girl is seriously one of the most creative people I know! Her talent has always amazed me, even when she was really young. Now to see her as a wife, mother and artist...I love it! She is beyond talented, and you should check out her stuff here!

#5- Spending a fun afternoon with my grandmother- Mema had knee replacement surgery last week and she is spending some time in a rehab hospital. I took the girls up for a visit. Surprisingly we did not get kicked out, despite the loud screaming from time to time. It makes me so happy to see my grandmother's face light up as soon as the girls walk in the room. Ava did some ballet dancing for her, and Mema showed the girls her scar from the surgery. We all laughed and talked about what we wanted to be when we grow up over chocolate milk shakes (Mema wants to be a Mema, Ava wants to be a princess, a mom, and a musketeer. Taylor is undecided, but probably a nurse, and I want to be a chef when I grow up!) I love these special visits and it's always hard to leave because I know how much joy and therapy it brings my Mema when we come.

#6- Leading worship with my husband and an amazing team! We are working on a CD project and it is going pretty good. It is so much work and from time to time I get a little overwhelmed at the thought of all that still needs to be done, but then we have services like this weekend and I am just so excited and honored to be a part of such a great thing! I love that my husband is stepping out (although it is VERY hard for him) and singing and sharing the songs that God has given him. He inspires me everyday! I am one blessed woman!

I am looking forward to a great week and more favorite things! What are some of your favorite things this week?

Rainy Day

I love the rain! It's quiet in the house, the kids are napping, I'm totally loving this afternoon.

I am planning a fabulous menu for Taco Night with Alan's family tomorrow. Got a call this morning from my mother-in-law letting me know she was on her way into town, like literally on her way. 30 minutes away. She lives in Dallas. So, in order to avoid the circus that is Alan's entire family trying to go out to eat, I have decided to invite everyone over here! It's more relaxed, the kids can play, and I don't have to tell the kids 12,000 times to sit down, keep your hands to yourself, eat your own food, quit coloring on your cousin's napkin, quit coloring on your cousin's clothes, quit coloring on your cousin's arm, quit shooting spit wads through your straws, eat your food, sit down, quit running around the table, don't blow bubbles in your drink...I think you get the idea. There's something about being at a table of 12 that the "energy" level just goes through the roof. I don't know if it's that they think they have a captive audience, so it's time to start getting major attention, or what. So, like I said, to avoid this, I am planning Taco Night! We will have fish tacos, steak tacos, and chicken tacos along with lots of yummy sides and toppings. I am feeling my love for cooking start to rekindle and I like it! Last night I made spaghetti with meatballs. I had never made meatballs before! It was fun and they were super yummy. I also ran across a cookbook that I got for Christmas that I had totally forgotten about. There are tons of recipes that I am dying to try from there! I like them because they all sound simple, not too time consuming, but really delicious. My kind of cooking!

I'm looking forward to the 4th of July. I would usually try to plan out every moment of the weekend, but this year I'm feeling more relaxed about it all. I think we'll just go with the flow. That's probably a good thing with this rain, because all the things I would have normally planned would probably not have worked out and then I would just be frustrated. What a waste of time to worry about things like that! I'm excited about hanging out with my family and just enjoying the holiday. My two oldest girls are singing with a little kids choir for the July 4th service at church on Sunday. I'm so anxious to see them perform! I know they will do a great job!

Well, I know this is nothing very exciting, but I thought I would post a little update since it's way too long since my last one. There's something about a rainy day that just makes me want to sit down and write. I think I'll go work on writing a song now. Enjoy your holiday!!

28 and counting...

I have been on a mission since the first of the year. I stepped on the scale January 1st was slightly horrified at the number that came up. Honestly, I didn't believe it at first, but after weighing several more times and seeing the same number, I accepted it and decided it was time to take action! Thankfully, an amazing opportunity fell in my lap! A group called Weigh-N-Pray was starting up. It was a group of ladies committed to a weekly weigh-in, some prayer and accountability. It was just the thing I needed! Weigh-N-Pray ended yesterday and I lost 24.4 pounds!! Since the first of the year, I am down 28!! I have a few more to go, but I feel great, and I'm really excited about keeping it off! Now I have some shopping to do! All of my clothes are too big and my pants are falling off!

Oh My!

I can't believe it's been over a month since I last blogged. Just so much going on these days. Honestly, I wish I wasn't so busy. I'm back to trying to figure out how to balance everything in life again. I think this is something that will continually be a part of my life. Maybe not constantly, but I foresee different seasons of it for sure. So, I'm on a journey of simplification. Trying to get things done without being too over zealous and piling too many things on my plate. I have not been doing a great job lately of the balancing and it caused a lot of stress which is I think why I've been sick for a week now! Don't really want to focus on the stressful things, so here are the things I've been working on lately that have brought a lot of joy!

Since the beginning of the year, I've been in a group called Weigh-N-Pray. It's 20 ladies on a journey of weight loss and accountability and encouragement. It has not been easy, but I have really enjoyed it. I've tried to lose weight many other times in my life, but for some reason, something really stuck this time. I truly sense a change not only in my weight, but in my thoughts about weight. My mindset is totally different. My eating habits have totally changed and my thought processes about food and my relationship with food have changed. It's a good feeling and the result is a loss of 23 pounds so far!

I am also super excited about my 5 year wedding anniversary! It's coming up on April 9th and Alan and I are going on a trip to celebrate! We will go the first week of May to Mexico for a week of relaxing and reconnecting. I'm ready for some time with my man and some time away to (hopefully) turn my brain off and relax!

Well, that's about it for me! Maybe I'll find to update again without a whole month going by!